My Secret Swine Flu Vaccine

On the way to the shops today, I felt a bit of paranoia hitting me: when I do a bit of walking on a chilly morning, I sometimes get a bit of the sniffles and this was one of these mornings. I thought, as I was getting a tissue to blow my nose: "Oh no, now everyone's gonna think I've got this Swine Flu thingy!"

As I saw some people looking at me funny (an old lady walking her dog even crossed the street to avoid me), I had one of these wicked thoughts I should really keep to myself (well, except for when I'm blogging): the fact that everyone avoids me might actually save me from getting infected in the event that the swine flu was to spread to Ireland!

Talking about flu vaccines, I saw a sales page yesterday for a Flu Swine kit costing no less than $99; I can't find the link anymore but it doesn't matter because it's just a scam. If you've seen the news lately scientists say that a vaccine for the current swine flu would take 4 to 6 months to be developped. Anything anyone tries to sell you online before that may be a vaccine for the common flu virus, a placebo drug or even something that could be harmful to your health, and won't protect you from the swine flu.

The closest thing to a swine flu vaccine I can think of (by the way, this will also protect you from all contagious diseases that can be spread from human to human) is the following:

1- When you're getting ready to go out somewhere, sprinkle a bit of water on your forehead so that it looks like you're sweating from a fever;
2- Cough and sneeze as much as you can (be careful though, you don't really want to be infecting people whith whatever is it you may be suffering from). Make use of tissues so it will be more hygienical;
3- When you return home, dispose of your used tissues in the bin and act normally (you're not really sick, are you? If you are, keep away from me!)

This will guarantee that people stay the hell away from you, therefore if anyone actually carries the swine flu virus, they won't give it to you and your employer might even give you time off work.

The only flaws in my system are the following:
- If you've got children going to school who get infected you will also probably get the swine flu (unless you hire a nanny and don't kiss of hug your kids, which is not really an option if you are a decent parent);
- The "your employer might give you time off" bit: we are still in a recession and the time off is likely to become permanent, as in redundancy package;
- The "if anyone actually carries the swine flu virus" bit: if they know they have it, it won't matter to them if a sneezer comes near them, they already have it!

So I guess in the end I'm just like the Irish Goverment, putting policies in place and then realizing there's no way they'll work, but damn me if I'll admit I was wrong!

I'm Giving Away 10 Free Gym Memberships!

Who needs an expensive gym membership when you've got brillo pads?

Yesterday I went to an open day for a local gym and the cheapest price for a single membership was €492 (off-peak hours only). I never intended to join, I just went for the face painting and the free funny-shaped balloons they were giving away to the kids. This morning, as I was scrubbing my bathroom with brillo pads, a thought came to me: this scrubbing not only gives me a free cardio workout, but now I can also feel my arms toned and as a bonus, my bathroom is spotless!

So if anyone's interested, I'm starting a brand new cheap fitness programme in my own home: let's say €5 per hour session or a yearly membership of €200. You do the workout while I'm having a coffee, I supply the brillo pads and gloves. Sorry, no sauna/shower facilities (you don't think I'd let you dirty my bathtub after you cleaned it out, do you?), but at that price you must agree it's a steal compared to other gyms in this country!

I'm also thinking of another fitness programme on how you could use exercise bikes to supply my household's electricity supply but I haven't quite worked that bit out yet; I need to try it on the kids first.

As a special introductory offer, I'm giving away free gym memberships to the first 10 people who join! Just send an email to dodgygym@fakeemailaddress.com. In the meantime, got to clean my oven, or maybe I should wait for my first customers?