My Bright New Ideas (for the Irish Victims of Abuse in Clerical Institutions)

A few weeks ago, the Ryan Report describing how some children being placed (sometimes against the will of their families) in Irish clerical institutions and schools suffered physical, sexual and emotional abuse shocked a lot of people worldwide.

A compensation deal was agreed in 2002 to indemnify the victims who came forward; this deal was supposed to insure that each victim received a handful of euros (in the order of €65,000 per victim, which is a joke when you consider how priests and nuns destroyed the lives of innocent children). According to RTE News, the cost of the Ryan Report (which was 10 years in the making) added to compensating the victims should amount to €1.3 billion; the deal agreed in 2002 between the Government and religious orders was for merely €128, a tenth of what it should be.

Two Irish Super-priests (I couldn't be arsed to call them by their real titles, something to do with primates) are due to travel to Rome in order to brief the Pope about this whole dirty business (I assume they will travel first-class and have a limo waiting for them at the airport, why can't they just use email to save money? God knows the victims could do with a few bob!)

Before booking their tickets with Ryan Air, I have a brilliant suggestion for the Pope in order to raise some of the cash needed to compensate the victims because, after all, it is true that the Vatican should be held part-responsible after they helped cover up this scandal in order to protect the reputation of the Catholic Church (what a bad joke!). So here are some of my ideas:

1- The Pope could auction some of his dresses on Ebay: there are people crazy enough to buy records of Daniel O'Donnell, so I guess one could find someone wicked enough to want to pay for something that has been worn by the old guy himself *trying not to gag at the thought*;

2- Raise cash selling Papamobile rides: just like kids would love a ride in the Batmobile, I'm sure a good few old ladies/nuns/gay priests would love a ride in the Papamobile, especially if there was any way they could ride on the Pope's lap; just to be safe, this would have to be for over 18s only: you can never trust a Clergy member alone with a child again after reading that Ryan Report!

3- The Papamobile made me think of yet another great idea: hire some volunteers, preferably priests and nuns, to make a James Bond style movie featuring the Papamobile. I can already imagine Super Pope in his Papamobile giving chase to pedophile priests and sadistic nuns in their Nissan Micras! All profits from the movie to benefit victims of abuse by nuns and priests of course.

If you have any more ideas, please don't hesitate to share in the comments section: the wackier the better!

PS. I wish to offer my sympathy to the victims of clerical abuse and mean no offense to any of them in this post. I also know that not all clergy members are evil (hey, my own Godmother is a nun... What were my parents thinking?) but I really don't care if this post seems blasphemous or has offended any of them; I never cared much for any religion of any kind and now more than ever consider organized religion as some kind of brain-washing mafia thing.